I was 14 years old the first time I was shamed for not using tampons. Standing in the school bathroom, bleeding and asking a friend for a pad, she came back with a tampon ‘sorry I don’t use pads, just use a tampon like everyone else’.
At 16 I felt less alone when I found myself on the phone with my best friend who for some reason had called me (a tampon novice) to ask for help. She had locked herself away in the bathroom and couldn’t get it in.
Thankfully my mum overheard the conversation and intercepted the phone, walking my friend calmly through the steps. My friend called back 15 minutes later, telling me she had abandoned the whole operation and would just wear a pad. So maybe it wasn’t just me?
At 19 I revisited the whole challenge, determined to use a tampon. I had just started having sex and if I could fit a penis up there I could definitely fit a mini tampon which was like 1/10 of the size.
A tampon should be easy now. Inserting the tampon successfully I instantly began to feel light-headed, dizzy, and actually felt like I was about to throw up. I would later learn I had what is referred to as a ‘vaso-vagal episode’. Symptoms often include feeling faint, clammy, nauseated, some people can even blackout.
This happens when the tampon touches or puts pressure on the cervix. For most people, touching the cervix isn’t an issue, if you have a ‘sensitive’ cervix then there is a chance you will experience a vaso-vaginal episode if the tampon touches your cervix.
At 22 I began experiencing painful sex with my then partner. A combination of not feeling comfortable, not being aroused, and feeling pressured into sex led to a diagnosis of secondary vaginismus.
For the next 12 months, I would struggle with penetrative sex. I began using dilators, attending physical therapy and seeing a sexual psychologist. Thankfully, I was able to overcome my vaginismus and once again enjoy pain-free sex.
I am now 27 years old, have been vaginismus-free for 4 years, and use a moon cup each month when I menstruate. I no longer compare myself to others, I don’t care what menstrual product someone else uses, nor would I ever judge someone for their choice. I realise menstruating is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it the same experience for every person.
The market for menstruation has changed and adapted, there are now any number of options at the supermarket, drugstore, or online. For example, period underwear has emerged as a more sustainable option, along with moon cups and other devices.
I live in Australia, a country I wish would adopt free menstrual products for schools. A country that needs to do more to recognise pain such as endometriosis, vaginismus, and vulvodynia.
I still hate tampons.
I still carry a pad, just in case.
Leah T.
Leah is the founder of GINA app, and has overcome secondary vaginismus.
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