Category: Brain-body balance?

Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me … and fear, anxiety, and sexual trauma. 

Sorry, Marvin Gaye but this is way more important.

The psychological effects of vaginismus are often treated as secondary to physical pain. However, it’s important to remember that the brain is a key sexual organ, so fear and anxiety can both have a hand in causing pain during sex.

Feelings of fear, stress, or anxiety can make arousal difficult (sexual arousal coming up soon).

This means the vagina might not fully lengthen and there might not be enough lubrication being produced to have comfortable and enjoyable sex. A lack of lubrication causes friction, which can cause pain.

Welcome to the concept of the pain/fear loop. 

When sex hurts, the brain remembers and can start to associate sex with pain – making it a scary experience.

Luckily, sex therapy and cultivating a mindfulness practice can be useful for disrupting the cycle of fear and pain. It can also help manage stress and anxieties that might be negatively impacting your sex life. 

Sexual trauma often creates feelings of anxiety, anticipation, or fear about sex, this can make being present and becoming aroused really hard. 

If you have experienced sexual trauma of any kind, you are not alone. None of this is your fault and we recommend you reach out to your local crisis centre for confidential help and support.

Here are a few good places to start:

• 1800respect.org.au
• rainn.org
• rcne.com

A sex therapist is often best placed to deal with the effects of sexual trauma and will be a great step towards healing and recovery. 

In addition, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) involves learning how to manage stress and anxiety through relaxation techniques (breathing exercises too!), positive self-talk, and gradually approaching feared situations.

GINAs have improved through understanding how distorted perceptions and thoughts contribute to painful feelings and experiences.

CBT therapy is also a great companion to some of the physical therapy discussed in the ‘Let’s Talk Treatment’ section. 

Having vaginismus kinda feels like sitting an exam in a language you do not know. Absolutely useless. 

Feelings of isolation and depression suck and chances are if you are experiencing vaginismus you have felt this way recently. The thing that really sucks is there are probably lots of GINAs all around you, every day and you might never know!

Here’s a fun little game you can play when you are feeling down. Look around you when you are: 

1. Waiting for a table at a busy cafe – chances are there is a GINA nearby 
2. Covered in glitter in the mosh pit at a festival – definitely more than one GINA there! 
3. Watching the Oscars red carpet – Yep there is definitely more than one GINA there too
4. Sitting in the waiting room at your PFP – kidding! But not really, there will be GINAs there too

Vaginismus is everywhere! The only way to find GINAs around you is to be brave enough to talk about sexual pain.

No, you don’t need to get a face tattoo and take it upon yourself to educate every person in your homeroom.

When you feel comfortable and secure enough, choose one close friend or confidant, a therapist or a mentor, a parent or a parental figure, and talk to them about your experience with painful sex. OMG, ARE YOU CRAZY! 

Crazier than a 9-month lockdown baby! Talking helps, we are all human and we all crave connection. You don’t have to go into the details, you don’t even have to talk about vaginismus, sex, or vaginas.

One golden nugget to always remember – comparison is the killer of joy. Sounds like Confucius but also could have been some girl at the bar last week, no?

Conversation suggestions

1. ‘I’m not really feeling myself at the moment, can we do something fun to take my mind off things?’
2. ‘My body is not responding to sex like it usually does, I am feeling pretty confused’
3. ‘I’m feeling very isolated by my experience with painful sex’

If you are looking for more helpful ways to start safe and supportive conversations visit the ‘Helpful Conversations’ section of the app.

Sexual arousal seems simple enough but it depends on so much!

Arousal is essential in the battle against vaginismus because vaginal lengthening and lubrication are all factors of pain-free sex. 

If you are having trouble in this department that’s totally ok. Some studies show a decrease in libido among people with vaginismus, endometriosis, and vulvodynia.

Here’s a little mental checklist next time you are struggling, because remember GINAs – the brain is a sexual organ too. 

1. Self – how do you feel about yourself emotionally and physically? 
2. Sex – how do you feel about sex? 
3. Body – how is your body feeling? Tight? Tired? Sore? 
4. Partner – how do you feel about your partner? Do you want to have sex with them? 
5. Relationship – do you feel safe? Do you trust this person? 
6. Environment – are you comfortable? Cold? Cramped? 

While you can totally have enjoyable sex without ticking every box (sex on the beach sounds fun, sand does not) just remember that these factors could influence how aroused you are in the moment.

Having sex while your partner’s family is next door playing scrabble sounds stressful. So does trying to fit in some fun in a bathroom stall without a lock.

Try identifying some areas to work on, or next time you are experiencing a lack of arousal do a little mental check from the list above and see if you feel more comfortable, aroused, and less anxious. 

If you want to know more about arousal, in particular how masturbation can help during dilator therapy, see ‘Dilators’ under ‘Let’s Talk Treatment’. 

The stigma surrounding pleasure is a tale as old as time. From the patriarchal origins of sexual theory (think Freud) to the growing market for genital cosmetic surgery, there continues to be shame surrounding genitalia, sex, and pleasure. 

For example, the shame and discrimination faced by the LGBTQIA+ community impact the resources, health services, and support available to them.

The pressure for women to orgasm exclusively through penetrative sex and the myths surrounding the ‘g-spot’ deepen the misinformation surrounding female pleasure. Enforcing penetration as the endgame of sex contributes to women’s ongoing sexual dissatisfaction. 

While there are some mainstream disruptions such as Netflix’s Big Mouth and Sex Education, many of us are continually working to unlearn or let go of negative sexual norms. 

If you are suffering from vaginismus, just remember, it is not your fault. Through your journey to pain-free sex, you will learn so much more about your body, pleasure, and satisfaction than you knew before.

There is so much more to life than sex, and there is so much more to sex than penetration. 

Try exploring some new literature, discussing some of your pre-conceived notions around sex and pleasure with your sex therapist (or a friend), and even just listening to some sex-positive podcasts.

If you are not already surrounded by sex-positive conversations (we get it, family dinners are not the best place to bring up who taught you about pleasure) try surrounding yourself with them virtually.

We live in an age where you can explore so many different ideas on sexuality and pleasure, right at your fingertips. We also love dirty jokes.