Hopefully, by now we have well and truly established that sex is more than just penetration. If you are progressing with your dilators, it could be a good time to start experimenting with positions that allow for more control during penetrative sex.
The goal here is to control the depth of penetration and move at a pace that makes you feel most comfortable. Below are some suggested positions you might like to try with a partner when you feel ready.
But first, some important reminders:
- If these positions cause you any pain stop immediately, you don’t want to reinforce the pain fear loop
- Communicating with your partner is key, make sure to communicate at every step, this should be pain-free and enjoyable for you
- Tweak these positions to suit you and your partner
- You don’t need a partner with a penis, you can use fingers or toys
- Lube! Use lots and lots of lube (if you are using toys make sure to use the right kind – see our lube topic here)
On Top
Positioning yourself on top of your partner allows you to have more control over the pace and depth of penetration. Start with your partner laying down flat on their back. Next, your partner should bend their knees and place their feet flat on the mattress. This position will allow you to climb on top (either facing away or towards your partner) and lean against their thighs for support. By leaning on your partner, you can concentrate more on relaxing your pelvic floor through deep belly breaths. Keep close attention to your inner thighs and try not to clench them. Instead transfer some of your weight onto your partner’s body and focus on relaxing your inner thigh muscles.
Spooning
Spooning is a great position to limit clenching your thighs or pelvic floor muscles. Start by laying down on your side, then bring your knees up towards your tummy, almost as if you are crouching (or forming an S shape). Your partner should lay down next to you in a similar position. Your butt will act as a cushion here, and you can control the depth of penetration by sliding your legs down (into I shape) for deeper penetration. You can stay in an S shape or crouch to decrease the depth of penetration. Focus on your breathing and communicating with your partner. This position also allows for a clitoral reach-around from your partner or the opportunity for you to clitorally stimulate yourself, as this is a hands-free sex position.
‘Outercourse’
Tongues, toys, and touching! Oral sex, mutual masturbation, and ‘outercourse’ are great choices for enjoying sex without penetration. Focus on what brings you pleasure and release yourself from the pressure to have penetrative sex.
Some studies have shown that only 18.4% of people with a vagina orgasm from penetrative sex alone
If you don’t find this type of sex enjoyable and you experience pain from touching outside around the vulva you could have vulvodynia, check out or glossary to learn how this is different from vaginismus.